This year hasn't been off to a great start. Saying it's been difficult is not the right expression. It is past difficult. Past frustrating. . . . I'm not an English teacher so I have no idea what other words I can use to describe what and how I'm feeling.
Since July, when I realized that I had to go back to teaching in a months time, I have been feeling dread. Dread that I had to go back to that classroom. Dread that I had to deal with parents more than students because parents seem to have nothing better to do than to harass teachers when the student doesn't get their way.
I haven't smiled. And I cry at that realization. For 2 months I haven't smiled. Not once. Not at my job, not when out with friends, not once. Oh, I've put on a happy face when I've had to. But no genuine smile. This place has sucked it all out of me.
The students I have this year are not willing to think for themselves. They want the answers but don't want to do the work to get the answer. When I tell them that the answers are there in front of them, they just need to figure it all out, they go home and complain, then I get harassed.
Like this morning.
This morning, I have my door locked like I always do at the beginning of each day, when there was a trial at the handle then some banging. I didn't answer it and it continued. I went over and opened it after I thought I heard the door handle fall off (it was hanging off) and there was a mother there with her son. Her son is the most lazy student I have. He would rather have someone hold his hand through the entire assignment (which I am not willing to do), than think and problem solve on his own. Yes, the assignments are hard. They are hard for a reason: to challenge their thinking and problem solving skills. And when I bluntly told that to this mother, she said that if I wasn't willing to help her son then she would take it up with the Principal and get me removed from the school. And in a huff, left the room.
Do I care? Not really. But this is what I deal with almost on a daily basis. Parents emailing or coming in and telling me what a horrible job I'm doing because I'm not willing to give their student the answers. Goodness forbid I actually get them to think or learn a new skill! What a shame that would be. . . (please note the sarcasm there).
The stress that I feel I can't get away from (due to all the new regulations and procedures and the like), I feel that I am slowly dying. I've had coworkers ask if I'm feeling alright. And when I ask why, they say that they've noticed a change from May until now. Like I'm sick or have lost weight, or other things. "There is a change," they say. And I have no answer. Am I supposed to say "I dislike my job so much that it is causing a depression that is eating away at me?" "I dislike the job atmosphere from my coworkers to the administration to the students so much that I get physically sick every time I walk into the building?" No, I can't say that, so I just give a fake smile say "Nothing. I'm fine." and walk away.
If I had the chance to go back in time to my 20 year old self and tell her that teaching will only eat away at who she is and to find something else and quick, I would. I was asked by a former professor of mine what I would tell those going into the teaching profession today. My reply: "Run. Run away as fast as you can. Go choose something else. Don't do it." To say that he was taken back by that response is putting it lightly. I would tell anyone trying to get into education to back away quickly. It isn't worth it.
If putting your health at risk because of students and parents and administration that simply don't care, then by all means. . . . continue with education.
I'm done. Yes, I just reached tenure. Yes I'm starting to earn more, but if the only reason I'm doing this is so that money is in the bank, then I'm not sure I can do this for much longer.
